Will Publishing Cost Me My Authentic Self?

I'm a writer afraid of losing my true self to the publishing world. Can my unique stories survive, or must I hide the parts of me I've always protected?

It's a strange feeling, moving from the quiet work of writing and editing to suddenly thinking about how to present myself to the publishing world. Not just my book, but me. And that's where a little fear creeps in. It’s not about the hard work. It’s the fear of losing parts of myself, the parts I’ve protected so carefully for so long.

These are the parts of me I don’t usually show. They’re nurtured in private, supported by my day job which, in a way, helps keep them separate from the world. I don’t share them with most people, sometimes not even close friends. I worry they’ll be misunderstood or twisted. These are my true, maybe even strange, thoughts. My fear is that to get published traditionally, I’ll have to hide these parts, or even get rid of them. If I create a ‘presentable’ author-me, will I lose what makes my writing real?

If I can’t put these parts of myself into my writing, where do they go? Sure, I can journal. But I want these real feelings and ideas to be in my stories. Why should I have to filter the truest parts of my ideas before they reach readers?

I know some unique books get published. But when I go to a bookstore, I see a lot of the same thing, especially in debut fantasy – mostly romantasy. I only saw a few new traditional fantasy books by new authors. It makes me worry. Will my cyberpunk story set in Dhaka, about an immigrant’s culture shock, find a place? Or my dystopian fantasy about an alternate India/Bangladesh, inspired by real events like the 2024 Bangladesh uprising and the difficult decade leading to it? These stories might not appeal to everyone. Will a publisher take a chance on them?

This makes self-publishing sound appealing – I could tell my stories exactly how I want. But the dream of getting an agent and a traditional book deal is still strong. It’s like hoping there’s someone in the industry who will love my work for what it truly is, quirks and all.

Then there’s the other side: the fear of shame. The feeling that self-publishing means I wasn't good enough for traditional publishing. I even saw a post from a self-published fantasy author I follow who an editor looked down on, even though his first book has 93 reviews on Goodreads. As a people-pleaser from a brown culture where what others think matters a lot, this makes me anxious. I don’t want to be looked down on.

Maybe being a writer means making these tough choices and being strong enough to handle judgment. I knew my friends might not all be interested in my specific stories. But I still hope for some positive feedback from the publishing industry, some sign that my work is worthwhile. That’s a hard feeling to ignore.

It’s not just about whether my stories will be relevant later. It’s the fear that I might change my true voice now just to try and fit in or get accepted. That the chance to share my real self might shrink, not because of time passing, but because I’m trying too hard to please others. In the end, I have to make the decision that’s best for me, for reasons more important than praise or fear. My stories are ready. How they, and I, face the world is the big question.